Yes, there has been movement, but is it enough to get me excited and hopeful that this adoption will actually end with a beautiful baby (or an ugly one...either way, we will still love it) in our arms? Not so much. Why can I not bring myself to feel excited? Because two years is too long to hold your breath. That's why.
At my husband's insistence, I read a short story today by Dostoevsky called "The Dream of a Ridiculous Man," and I can tell you that it was, indeed, ridiculous. Don't ever read that. But once again, I digress. The point of this story was that you can either accept that life holds mostly suffering, and in order to survive, you must learn how to turn that suffering into love, or you can shoot yourself in the head with a pistol. And it's the suffering of a little girl whose mother is dying that saves the ridiculous man's life because it makes him realize he has a choice to express love in the midst of suffering. He puts the pistol down and chooses not to shoot himself.
What a horrible story. But anyhow, I feel like I am at a similar crossroads. I can either shoot myself in the head, or I can accept this suffering and try to turn it into something good. I just wish I knew how to do that.
When I saw the title to this post I thought you were going to confess YOUR Ryan Seacrest dream. After all, I can't be the only one...please.
ReplyDeleteWe got our numbers also - After 9 months we are just at the halfway point. 33,47. As this wait drags on, and as everything else affects the wait making it longer, I just have so much uncertainty whether it will all work out.
So how do we turn this wait into something positive? Maybe we also need to find and express love with what we have now. Love the furbabies and our husbands, cherish and strengthen our marriages while we wait. I find it all too easy to become moody or withdrawn when I become anxious about this process. I know this is terrible advice and easier said than done. After all, any emotions we have about this wait are valid, we just have to learn not to let them control our lives.
-Theresa
Well, I don't have a Ryan Seacrest dream...but I do have a James Franco dream. Ahhhhh. You are so right, Theresa. All I can do is keep my marriage together and choose him instead of choosing to be sullen, which I do find myself doing a lot, sad to say. I can still shower my dogs with love, and I can still keep busy with other things I love. It's just hard sometimes, as you well know. But congrats on being to the halfway point!!!! I hope the next half flies by for you.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Erin
Erin, I know it is probably hard for you to see that you've made progress, but from my perspective, you have. Yes, you're still struggling, but, honestly, wouldn't it be strange if you weren't? One year ago, you had a hard time smiling and laughing. But you are able to again! Maybe not as much as before, but you seem to be in such a better place than you were 6 months or a year ago. Be hopeful. And, I think that simply having a willingness to accept things (even if you are struggling to accept things) is okay. I think that is the difference between now and 6 months ago.
ReplyDeleteWow--I related to this post a lot--although I've never read the story. It is so overwhelming at times and staying positive (or even feeling normal) can be such a challenge. I really hope it's all worth it in the end, and at the same time completely get the feeling of uncertainty and frustration. But I will say that 4 months on the list is better than nothing, and is definitely progress. Hang in there sweetie, thinking of you often.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this is so difficult. It's complete crap. I've actually been putting off commenting because I couldn't think of what to say.
ReplyDeleteAlso we are moving to your area in October so I will begin stalking you then :-)
Love,
Amy (Molly's sister)