Maybe Ukraine?

We got an e-mail last night from our adoption agency, letting us know that they have changed their mind about allowing families to switch over to another country and not giving them the agency fee credit. AGCI has said that so many families have been frantically calling them, asking if they could switch to Ukraine, Bulgaria or Russia, and wanting to know why their agency fee would have to be repaid. So they have graciously come to their senses and written to all of us to say that a $3000 credit would be given to any families who wish to bow out of Ethiopia and switch over. We would still have to start over from scratch, filling out an all new application, new dossier and updated home study, but at least we don't have to pay another agency fee.

So Daniel and I are scratching our heads, wondering what to do. We could stick it out and see what happens in Ethiopia over the next couple of months, or we could switch to Ukraine and start the process over again. I hate having to make a choice between two things that are not good options. I don't want to do either of these things! I want my Ethiopia adoption to go as planned! Well, actually, let's back up. I want to be pregnant!!! But we can't have everything we want, so we must make a choice soon, before we get our Favorable Determination letter from Homeland Security and owe more money for the Ethiopia adoption. A third option would be to scrap international adoption altogether, cut our losses, and join the Foster-to-Adopt program through Alameda County, which has its own host of problems.

In the meantime, I have been feeling quite depressed. For a few months, I was starting to feel better, actually allowing myself to feel excitement for our adoption. Up until two weeks ago, I was starting to finally feel myself again. I have wanted to put workout clothes on after work instead of straight to pajamas, have gotten my full appetite back, and things were starting to look up. But now I feel like I've gone back to how I was feeling two years ago, right after I had my first miscarriage. Hopeless. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing during depression: Yes, I'm seeing a therapist. I'm eating healthy, keeping busy, spending lots of time with family and friends. I'm watching funny movies that will make me laugh and reading light, silly books instead of my normal heavy literary works.

But in the late hours of night, when all is quiet in our house, when all I hear is Daniel and Max and Chica sleeping, I feel a deep pain that I just can't explain. I am mourning something that never existed. I've never been one to feel like God is trying to send me messages, but I have a nagging feeling that maybe now God is trying to tell me something, and I don't like what He is telling me. Why would God give me such a strong desire to have children and then not allow me to have them? Am I fighting against a tide that is too strong for me to overcome? My birthday was on Wednesday, and I made a deal with myself that I would escape the baby troubles for one day, so I was doing very well, until I went to my parents' house for dinner and my brother and his wife showed up with their baby. Babies have a way of being the center of attention everywhere they go, and the whole evening just made me very sad. I didn't end up escaping my troubles and went home feeling generally crappy.

On another note, we took a trip to Yosemite this weekend with our relatives visiting from Argentina, and here are some amazing pictures I took with my cheapo digital camera: